Infertility - BREAK the SILENCE

After a long afternoon at my non-profit film making class. I spent the weekend putting together this 2 minute film on awareness. It is time to speak up. Even if I cannot help myself, I want to share my journey to help others along the path...

Infertility Break the Silence Film

Walk of Hope 2015 "Team Body Shots"

I am so overjoyed to share the experience our support group had at the Walk of Hope in Sacramento. The Walk of Hope represents more than just putting on a t-shirt and coming out together as a team to walk a mile—it’s a movement. A movement to tell the community that they are Not Alone and to inspire hope; a movement to make friends and family aware of what those with infertility feel; and a movement to raise money to help individuals have access to build their family and for legislators to consider expanding and creating greater coverage. Advocating for those among us, for those after us and for those that fought this battle before is truly inspirational. There is another side to this long roller coaster. I promise you. I am so proud of my team "Body Shots" for their courage to stand up from behind the closed doors of our monthly meeting and advocate for this disease that has shifted many of our lives forever. 

NIAW - support group - egg donor ---- what a week!

Well it's national infertility awareness week. Monday I hosted my second monthly support group meeting and surprisingly we had an absolutely wonderful turnout and a very meaningful supportive meeting. I was actually surprised that the group grew from 2 to 12 so quickly. Below is an anonymous email I received from one of the new members after the meeting...

"I just wanted to thank you so much for starting the support group and for creating such a warm and supportive environment - especially when you are in the midst yourself. In the 1.5 yrs I've been in this downward spiral this was probably the most positive thing I've done for myself. Thank you!"

It was such an inspiring group of individuals that came together to support each other.  It really feels nice to know that you can be there for others and relate to them in a way that really no one else can in less there going through infertility.

Today our egg donor went in for her retrieval and we ended up with 25 eggs. They said she is doing great and resting. Now I am just praying that we will have 20 frozen embryos by the end of the week.

Yesterday when I was hosting group and listening to others around me I thought to myself wow we have this egg donor now and we're moving forward and everything is happening but yet I can't even think about it because it's been so many years now that my emotions are somewhat detached from my own experiences.... In the spirit of infertility awareness remember #youarenotalone

I am hosting a new peer-led support group in San Mateo!

The support Group has been moved to the 2nd Monday each month at Beresford Recreation Center in San Mateo, CA. Please email me directly if you have any questions. 

Dreams...

At 30 years old I thought had my life figured out. Now at the age of 36 I sit here realizing that the chances of having a baby are becoming dimmer and now almost completely gone. Just months before we were married I had 2 surgeries that could possibly affect the chance conceiving. Following the wedding and much negotiation, my husband finally agreed to start trying for a baby. Two years went by with no pregnancies so then we finally sought out infertility consultations. First we went for many blood tests and exams.  We saw the best specialists. Everything seemed fine. Even my surgeries weren’t the issue. The results came back there we were baffled by the “Unexplained” diagnosis…

We proceeded with two rounds of IUI treatments, followed with a round IVF before switching to another clinic. Then at one of the top teaching hospitals in the nation another round, another surgery and still no child. Finally 56 embryos later, multiple IVF’s, 5 non-viable pregnancies and a miscarriage our options are:

 A) try again (we have 4 frozen embryos left)  B) use an egg donor C) adopt D) live “child free”  My husband has honestly told me that he isn’t sure he is ready for adoption. I think to myself wow he’s selfish, but I do respect his honesty in telling me how he feels. At this point we each feel something different I'm just so sick and tired of all the injections, hormones, procedures, etc... and he has been hoping, waiting and believing this IVF was going to work for so long now. After all these failed attempts I see him coming to the realization that we might need a shift in our plans. I sit here thinking in heart of hearts, I too have all the same fears. We’ve talked and talked and we are thinking of moving forward with a donor. Secretly I am scared… would it be weird having a child that doesn’t have my DNA? Will my parents feel terrible about never having a biological grandchild? Will my grandparents ever have the chance to meet their great grandchildren? Will it ever come up that our child is really only his? How would the child feel about being conceived from a donor?  What if as the child grows up and says, “You’re not my real mom.”? And, overshadowing all those emotions is this horrible feeling of failure. Failure as a woman, failure as a wife and failure as a daughter.

I am constantly grieving and feeling angry, jealous and sad as cousins/friends continue to get pregnant over and over again and still here I am longing for just one child. Everywhere I look I see swollen bellies and hear pregnancy complaints. I cannot escape it – it’s like being trapped in a cage!

I am trying desperately to stop feeling sorry for myself and realize how lucky I am. We live minutes away from one some of the best IVF clinics in the country. We landed with one of the most sought after Endocrinologist in US. We are so lucky we have had the financial resources to even consider this, and most of all, lucky we have the chance to possibly still experience pregnancy. I know that many woman who are diagnosed with infertility can never carry a child.

I just recently saw a friend who has 2 daughters, one biological and one adopted. She said “my daughters may not look alike and may not both look like me but they are my daughters. We are meant to be in each other lives, no matter how it is we came together.” What she said was so simple and so true. It cemented for me that it doesn't matter what our baby will look like, what matters is that he/she will be mine and always be a part of both of us. We have already begun the search for an anonymous donor who has interests, ethnicity and an overall look similar to mine. There are still moments when I have doubts, what if our child questions my choice when they are older? Will they reject me as their mom? Will they want to find the donor? Can I handle it? I'm I ok with this? Will adopting 
be easier? 

I write this knowing it is likely there is those who will disagree with our choices and think I’m selfish and wrong for perhaps not adopting. But most of all I write this for the others like me, the woman out there who are struggling with these same emotions and these difficult decisions. Nice to meet you. You’re not alone. 

It's been a while...

It has been almost 6 months since the miscarriage. I have not felt much like writing or talking about my infertility these past few months.  However we did decide to go forward with another cycle and we retrieved 12 eggs in August and now we have 8 frozen embryos at the clinic. 

I had an egg donor on hold but we decided to release her and see how things go. We will soon begin the transfers starting early Oct. Can I just say that I am so nervous!!! My husband thinks this is the time...things can only get better but I find myself hesitant and so afraid to believe in the possibility. I have been so numb and have been trying to move my life forward in other aspects and to no longer dwell on the longing to become a parent. 

Baby Turri Forever in our Hearts

I never got to hear you cry. I never got to touch your soft skin. I never got to see your beautiful eyes. I never saw your feet kick -- you're my angel and you'll be forever missed.

On an afternoon in February, I got the call after many rounds of IVF 500 needles and tons of blood tests: "Congratulations! It worked!"

I was so excited, tears of joys filling my eyes. The next stage of worry/delight began...

I couldn't believe it. "Could it possibly be true?" I wondered as I double checked myself with the stick test and at last saw the 2 lines I've been looking for. It was breathtaking. "Could this finally be real?"

"Wow!!! This is finally the year! This baby will be born right around my birthday! What a gift this would be!" -- all the positive notions that kept running through my head.

I did everything I was supposed to do, took every precaution and prayed and believed my dream had finally come true. 

But every time we went to the doctor, something was a worry... first, there was no heartbeat. Then, a heartbeat, but not strong enough. Next, the baby is too small. Afterwards, the baby is growing, but not big enough. 

Finally -- we heard a heartbeat and saw the fetus has arms and legs! We thought we were finally on our way to fulfilling our dream!

However, we weren't out of the woods yet. No, we had one more visit to the IVF clinic, today. Baby looked great growing to size but wait something was missing? The heartbeat. It was gone... 

The doctor said it was probably genetic and told us that hope exists in all this: it means that, if we can get this far, we can get further next time.

But do I/we really want to try again? Do we really want to go through all these treatments for another possible heartache again?

This journey has been over three years of heartache and pain and at this moment, and on this day, I, Jamie Turri am FROZEN. 

Baby Turri

9 weeks, 2 days old, now in heaven....god bless 

Failed IVF on Christmas Day!

Another failed Ivf on Christmas Day:(( 

There is something about going through infertility treatments that can activate the most intense, focused, and often fixated part of a person or couple. Each new cycle demands following new instructions meticulously and seems to require (and inspire) single-minded dedication to trying whatever might lead to conception: acupuncture, modified exercise routines, diets, and so on. And it's not only an effort to optimize your chances of getting pregnant, but it can also be an attempt to control an essentially uncontrollable situation. So how do you know when it's time to let go?

Considering a new phase (whether that's a donor cycle or the end of treatment entirely) can be daunting. Although choosing to end treatment can feel devastating, sometimes surrendering is the bravest and strongest decision you make... 

Below is some info I read this afternoon as I discovered yet again Ivf has failed us....

1. What does your doctor say?

Ask your doctor to review the statistics pertinent to you: your age, infertility diagnosis, and chance of successful pregnancy given the number of treatment cycles you have already had. Of course, statistics simply provide a snapshot of probability. They are most useful when considered along with the emotional, physical, social, and financial costs of treatment.

2. How much more are you willing (or able) to endure?

Infertility takes an extraordinary emotional and physical toll, and it can be quite overwhelming. How is it affecting you emotionally? Have you remained involved with friends and family, or are you withdrawing from them? Do you continue to engage in your usual activities, or has this become difficult? If you feel the process is sapping you of your happiness and enjoyment for life, think back to your days before treatment. Were you happy and more joyful? If so, you should be able to return to that place, but it may require getting off the treatment roller coaster.

3. Has there been a negative impact on your relationship?

Are you and your partner drifting in different directions or having significant conflict around your efforts to become pregnant? Reflect on why you chose your partner: Was it to create a life with someone you love or just to have children together? You know the life you have right now. Is it what you wanted from your partnership? Do you want a different life together? Could stopping treatment help you get or return to it?

4. What will another treatment failure feel like?

Would this experience be different than previous cycles? What impact would that have on your relationship? Each treatment cycle can be experienced as a trauma, and numerous failed cycles (or miscarriages) can have a significant cumulative impact. Reflect on whether it has become more difficult to recover from the failures and what emotional reserve you have if it happens again.

This is not an easy decision. It's difficult to find meaning in the injustice of infertility. Letting go of the hope for a biological child and the experience of pregnancy is life altering. But remaining trapped in what can feel like a state of endless failure can take all the joy of life.  My joy is gone... I'm struggling to smile and it's Christmas.  I'm surrounded by family and love...yet inside I feel dead, cold and very alone...

Retreval today

We only got 7 eggs - but all good quality! 

Ivf day 12 follicles growing...:)

Well this cycle has been really interesting as I am trying not even think that we are in the middle of this... Having my brother visit for thanksgiving was a great distraction! As far as I'm concerned it's just another Xmas...🎄

Deep inside I'm praying this will be it!:) We are so ready and what an amazing end of the year wish to finally be on the road to parenthood... Fingers crossed! 

Nova --- thus we begin...:))))

NOVA

n. pl. no·vae (-v) or no·vas

A star that suddenly becomes much brighter and then gradually returns to its original brightness over a period of weeks to years.

 

 

 

 

 

This is the name of our new fertility clinic.  We have already begun this cycle of ivf with Dr. Schmidt. I have a sense of peace that I have not had in prior rounds. It almost feels like even though everything else around me seems to be crashing and bouncing all over the place, the process of this ivf is calm & positive.  There is something different...  

Please watch the link to see why we waited so long to get in at Nova and why we are so ecstatic that Dr. Schmidt is working with us!!!

Click this to watch Dr. Schmidt on this interview!

Happy Birthday to me...make a wish...!

🎂🎉🎁

I wish I was pregnant. 

I wish we didn't have to deal with Infertility. I wish we all could afford the multiple rounds of IVF that we need... I wish IVF was a covered by insurance. I wish it didn't control my life, dictate my thoughts, make me count the days till I ovulate and make me continuously obsess month after month.  I wish people would finally understand that Infertility is a real medical condition. I wish I could get away with slapping people for asking "When are you going to have kids".  I wish I didn't have to research and think of Infertility and IVF everyday.  I wish I wasn't in therapy for how to deal with my infertility... I wish I knew which way to turn when I feel lost. My final wish is that this birthday as we begin this round of IVF that this will be our final round and I will become pregnant!!! 

On a jet plane

Today I write aboard my flight to Buffalo.  In about another 6 hours I will be reunited with my family.  Oh how I so look forward to it:)). These past three years have brought me into a state of some type of depression that I just cannot seem to shake. Then there are these brief moments when I'm with my family and I have this overwhelming sense of calmness and all the stress and worry leaves me...  This road is long and difficult.  I anticipate holding my cousins little girl in my arms and laughing with my Dad over a cup of tea.  I start my next round in 2 weeks on my 35th birthday!  I'm praying this will be the one. 

Kellie Coffey - I Would Die For That

It has been a long time since I really felt like posting.  I just walked in the Northern CA
WALK OF HOPE last weekend. It was very moving and touching. I wanted to share some pics and this amazing video/song that is the song that plays in all of hearts continuously as we battle infertility!

Love,
J

I WOULD DIE FOR THAT!

This post I wrote a few weeks ago...:))

Another day another entry on my blog...

This past Thursday I went in for a polyp removal.  It was a little different from any of the retrievals as I was awake and watching the entire procedure like a Movie.  Dr Rosen was speaking in Sacramento for Infertility Ins. laws so Dr. Zahmah did the surgery.  He walked me through everything and answered my many questions.  Nurse Ana was outstanding as I had a Vadovasular attack 5 min before the procedure and she held my hand and explained what was happening and that I would be OK... For a minute there I thought I was seeing the white light but then suddenly I was back to normal.  Didn't feel a thing.  I did have a chance to see the 3 polyps that were removed and now my uterus is ready and smooth for implantation.. :))). What a day - what a week!  As I write this I'm on a plane to surprise my cousin for her 1st baby shower.  Couldn't miss it - she's my biggest supporter (other than the hubby!) and she's my go to gal and rock.  I can't wait to share this special day with her-no matter what!!!!!

Peace & Love

J 

Freeze All - cycle 2 in our IVF journey!

Well we finally came up with a plan that we are feeling really good about.  After meeting with a few different bay area clinics we decided to leave pacific fertility and transfer to Dr. Rosen at UCSF! 

So far our experience has been pleasant. The only thing that bothers me a bit is that we haven't seen Dr. Rosen for all of our appointments...although we have enjoyed working with the other Dr's at the clinic.  

The plan we came up with is: 1-2 

( depending on amount of final embryos) Freeze All cycles and then one fresh cycle with a transfer...and so forth!

Bumps along the road are bound to happen and thus we found out that I have two small cysts in my uterus.  This means we will have hysteroscopy!  This will happen after the first frozen retrieval-approx 2.5 weeks after.

Update we just had the egg removal yesterday for the first freeze all... We got 16 eggs...11 mature... All fertilized with ICSI and 8 dividing!  Im praying for all 8 to make it to FE..:) but by 

day 5 we will be pleased anywhere from 6-8! 

Fingers crossed!!!!!!!   

Infertility changes you...

This week I began my injections for my FEC (Frozen Embryo Cycle)!  We are focusing on achieving a total of 6-8 Quality Embryos!! 

Over the weekend I finished reading

A Few Good Eggs;)). -- A must read!  See the Excerpt below!!!

Awesome post I read today from a dad!

http://www.stevewiens.com/2013/03/26/ten-words-that-describe-infertility/

INFERTILITY OLYMPICS!!!

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INFERTILITY OLYMPICS

Going through infertility is sort of like going to the Olympics.

1)   YOU make all the sacrifices

2)   YOU eat healthy and take care of your body

3)   YOU follow ALL the rules

4)   YOU practice safety

5)   YOU make it to the finish line

6)   YOU WIN - but haven’t received the medal

TIME TO GET THAT MEDAL! – NEVER GIVE UP!

As a woman we hit puberty and thus we begin our reproductive cycle each and every month.  We get use to the cramps, headaches, bloating and discomfort… B/C we know that sometime in the future it will all be worth it.  We will have the reward of becoming a parent. That is the point, right?

You have a period so that you can have the chance to create life. So when you make it this far and then have a difficult time conceiving you feel completely let down.  You feel like you have prepared yourself the best you could, ran the distance, crossed the line and did not get the reward.  Well, I want the reward.  I want the baby. I WANT THAT GOLD MEDAL!!! 

I have been entangled in this infertility drama for a few years now and have had thousands of emotional and physical ups and downs. Financially, it’s just one big dive into a gaping pit and without the support from family and friends it wouldn’t even be possible. But emotionally, this has become one giant roller coaster. With all that said - I am NOT a quitter, but these days I find it more and more difficult to “NEVER GIVE UP”! -

Join the movement --- 1 in 8.

Infertility affects 1 in 8 people.

Join me in supporting
National Infertility Awareness Week 2013.

AWARENESS VIDEO

Non Viable Pregnancy

We waited all week and went in for my Beta this morning. Bouts of happy thoughts praying for a positive result and then the dreaded call... Only to find out beta tested positive but too low for a viable pregnancy. This was our last chance with these embryos as they were our final 2:( Now we need to decide what is next step and how can we possibly afford it?!

2ww - 2 more days!

This is really the most difficult time.  I am embracing to prepared for the news, which is going to be  Great/Happiness or Sad/Heartache...  Thank goodness for the mediation of the IVF companion and my husband to help me through this.  I keep telling my brain to STOP obsessing over the outcome, but this is a merely impossible task at the moment. And so, I keep my FAITH!

Love, J

FET 2.22.13

After 4 months of acupuncture and many prayers to St. Gerard we finally decided it was time to transfer the 2 embryos remaining. As I lay here, I meditate and pray for this is the time and what a gift it would be, as the baby would arrive within days of my birthday!

Walk of Hope 2013

This year I will be walking to raise infertility awareness! Please check out my page and donate to this worthwhile cause;).

http://familybuilding.resolve.org/site/TR/WalkofHope2013/WalkofHope?team_id=2750&pg=team&fr_id=1120

Love,

Jamie

Unexplained what does that mean?

Fine lines

Sometimes it's difficult. When that happens we smile and remember there is always HOPE!

2013 Astrology - A Glimpse of Hope

Scorpio


2013 has your name written all over it, Scorpio. Thirteen is the number of the Death archetype in the tarot card attributed to your sign. It's about the death of the outworn aspects of yourself and your life, while the sunrise of rebirth is always waiting on the horizon. Transformation, metamorphosis, passion and sexuality are all heavily pronounced this year for you. Saturn, the great taskmaster, has taken up long-term residency in your stars until 2015 to give you and your life a complete makeover. Add to this the fact that your ruler, Pluto, is in what is known as a 'mutual reception' with Saturn (mutual influence by means of swapping signs) and the force for rebuilding your life from its very foundation is doubled. This is a year for uncovering your greatest resourcefulness, and relinquishing any skeletons from your psychic closet. Death and rebirth become daily themes as you shed layers upon layers of the former you.
The speed at which your life is moving, evolving and changing is unprecedented, Scorpio. The total whirlwind that began in the latter half of 2012 continues as the eclipse points impact your sign directly. Watch for key events in May and November as signposts for more change to come. There's a good chance you'll change jobs, move, start or end a relationship or simply start an entirely new chapter of your life under this intense influence. Trust that whatever you're putting your passionate energy into this year will indeed build out to something lasting and beautiful.
This could easily be one of the most exhilarating and spiritual years in a long time, Scorpio. Jupiter supports your quest for deep change and self-awareness by working on the Eighth House (Scorpio sector) of your horoscope until June. Delve into your own secret depths and discover how powerful you really are. Few are as tough and resilient as you are. It's actually your sensitivity and vulnerability that make you strong. At the end of the day, you may be the most emotionally courageous sign there is. You heal others by showing them that it's safe to confront their own darkness as you have done. This is the greatest gift and strength you'll be sharing with many in 2013.

Continuing Acupuncture in Buffalo

I met Dr. Lisa 2 days ago while visiting my home town. She is fabulous. Today I had a total of 47 needles;)

Today...Tomorrow!!!

I SAW THIS PICTURE ON THE 

CRACKED EGG SITE TODAY!

Love!

Birthday Wish

Dear Infertility Community,

There is much that infertility takes away and there also is unexpected gifts that are also offered.

The loss that we are sure we are going to continue to feel. That sense, that absolutely knowing sometimes, that this could never work. The dread of not making our parents into grandparents or grandparents into great grandparents! The understanding that our families, our genes could possibly not be continuing on, nor our heritages or lineage.

Except when it works. You start thinking that you know that it will never work. You will never become pregnant... Except that so often, so incredibly frequently, woman do become pregnant. Treatment works and then we do become pregnant. We do have babies. Our families do continue. Our parents become grandparents, grandparents become great grandparents, we become parents, our sisters and brothers become aunts and uncles and often, we watch our children play with their cousins.

Why are we in treatment? Because it can work. Very often. Very frequently. It works. And we become parents.

It is my 34th birthday and I offer up a wish for all infertile couples!

That this is the year we become parents.!