Dreams...

At 30 years old I thought had my life figured out. Now at the age of 36 I sit here realizing that the chances of having a baby are becoming dimmer and now almost completely gone. Just months before we were married I had 2 surgeries that could possibly affect the chance conceiving. Following the wedding and much negotiation, my husband finally agreed to start trying for a baby. Two years went by with no pregnancies so then we finally sought out infertility consultations. First we went for many blood tests and exams.  We saw the best specialists. Everything seemed fine. Even my surgeries weren’t the issue. The results came back there we were baffled by the “Unexplained” diagnosis…

We proceeded with two rounds of IUI treatments, followed with a round IVF before switching to another clinic. Then at one of the top teaching hospitals in the nation another round, another surgery and still no child. Finally 56 embryos later, multiple IVF’s, 5 non-viable pregnancies and a miscarriage our options are:

 A) try again (we have 4 frozen embryos left)  B) use an egg donor C) adopt D) live “child free”  My husband has honestly told me that he isn’t sure he is ready for adoption. I think to myself wow he’s selfish, but I do respect his honesty in telling me how he feels. At this point we each feel something different I'm just so sick and tired of all the injections, hormones, procedures, etc... and he has been hoping, waiting and believing this IVF was going to work for so long now. After all these failed attempts I see him coming to the realization that we might need a shift in our plans. I sit here thinking in heart of hearts, I too have all the same fears. We’ve talked and talked and we are thinking of moving forward with a donor. Secretly I am scared… would it be weird having a child that doesn’t have my DNA? Will my parents feel terrible about never having a biological grandchild? Will my grandparents ever have the chance to meet their great grandchildren? Will it ever come up that our child is really only his? How would the child feel about being conceived from a donor?  What if as the child grows up and says, “You’re not my real mom.”? And, overshadowing all those emotions is this horrible feeling of failure. Failure as a woman, failure as a wife and failure as a daughter.

I am constantly grieving and feeling angry, jealous and sad as cousins/friends continue to get pregnant over and over again and still here I am longing for just one child. Everywhere I look I see swollen bellies and hear pregnancy complaints. I cannot escape it – it’s like being trapped in a cage!

I am trying desperately to stop feeling sorry for myself and realize how lucky I am. We live minutes away from one some of the best IVF clinics in the country. We landed with one of the most sought after Endocrinologist in US. We are so lucky we have had the financial resources to even consider this, and most of all, lucky we have the chance to possibly still experience pregnancy. I know that many woman who are diagnosed with infertility can never carry a child.

I just recently saw a friend who has 2 daughters, one biological and one adopted. She said “my daughters may not look alike and may not both look like me but they are my daughters. We are meant to be in each other lives, no matter how it is we came together.” What she said was so simple and so true. It cemented for me that it doesn't matter what our baby will look like, what matters is that he/she will be mine and always be a part of both of us. We have already begun the search for an anonymous donor who has interests, ethnicity and an overall look similar to mine. There are still moments when I have doubts, what if our child questions my choice when they are older? Will they reject me as their mom? Will they want to find the donor? Can I handle it? I'm I ok with this? Will adopting 
be easier? 

I write this knowing it is likely there is those who will disagree with our choices and think I’m selfish and wrong for perhaps not adopting. But most of all I write this for the others like me, the woman out there who are struggling with these same emotions and these difficult decisions. Nice to meet you. You’re not alone.