I want to "@%!!!" Scream!

What the "#@!" ?

I am so angry. I am so sad. I would no longer like to feel this pain inside me. Last night, I decided that I wasn't going to allow myself to feel this pain. I pulled it together and went to see my nephew perform at his school. He always brings a smile to my face. My husband stayed home - alone. He has his own way of going through this journey. Later that evening, we had a nice dinner filled with laughter and many positive stories with his family. When I found myself in bed next to him around 11PM, I just broke down. I cried so hard.
He said to me, "This could be positive...we will make more eggs and more embryos... " - how can he always be so positive? - I know he holds his pain deep inside. He is so strong. He is my rock.

Let's be honest here. INFERTILITY SUCKS. I "#@!!!! " hate it. I am sick of the ups and the downs. I am over all the medications and all the smiling positive Drs. and people at the fertility clinic. They are taking away all our savings (and family & friends that are helping) and we never get to see a result. Seriously here, I am a positive person. Many who know me will tell you so. With infertility, I cannot seem to be the least bit happy. There are just too many negatives. It is so difficult, yet I know we shouldn't give up!

Unexplained.

That's the diagnosis. That's all they can say. At least if we knew what was wrong, we could understand why we cannot have a baby.


How many times?

How many times do we go through these procedures? We will be starting the 4th in a month or two...

I read these stories of how it can take 10-15 times & it may never happen at all... I think to myself, "That can't be us." We cannot afford that and we cannot make it emotionally that long. It's exhausting.
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J a m i e